Windsor, Ontario
One of the places helped by Bill Gates, because it is one of the worst places in North America, seriously. Windsor, Ontario is the gateway to hell and is single handedly responsible for the "Global Warming Crisis." Windsorites like to say they're Canadian while the rest of Canada likes to pretend they're American. They in fact would rather consider themelves American. Is it Zee or Zed!? There is nothing interesting about Windsor. Windsor is awful and boring. Windsor has 400 bars and lots of legal hookers and strippers that do the FULL MONTY and would make a geat home base for any biker gang. Also to be noted are the many "rub-n-tugs" in the downtown area. Those who come to Windsor are looking to get drunk, contract syphilis, smoke a doobie, and go broke in the monstrously tacky giant white Caesars Windsor casino (no smoking in the facilities). Thanks to the automotive industry and whatever Detroiters do on ZUG ISLAND, Windsor has one of the highest highest cancer rates - per capita - in all of North America. It smells like the inside of a dead liberal hooker's mouth and has more Middle Eastern people per capita than any city in Canada. It also borders Detroit. Coincidence? Windsor, Ontario is home to many liberals and Union workers, and has the highest unemployment rate in Canada! It is slowly disappearing into a black hole, and also being invaded by beavers. Windsor History FUCK YOU FOR WHOEVER WROTE THE TOP PAGE. YOU WISH YOU LIVED HERE YOU FUCKING COCKSUKER. WINDSOR IS A VERY FINE PLACE TO LIVE AND WE WISH NOTHING FROM AMERICA. I WILL FIND OUT WHO WROTE THAT AND YOU'RE DEAD. Windsor Today Not much is happening in Windsor today, except for the theft of a couple hundred shopping carts by a couple hundred low-life welfare people. And except for countless unemployed people sending out fake resumes to non-existent companies so they can maintain their unemployment benefits. The fastest growing industry is American vomit cleanup. City council will bicker at one another and make a decision that will enact a mandate that they no longer have to make decisions. This is already the normal operating procedure for City Council, but they may as well put it on paper. As of late they have taken to bickering less, they have replaced their behaviour with absolute silence. Windsor City Council will be hiding under coats until the year 2012 when it is expected their problems will be solved. The streets will be full of drunk 19 year old Americans/Windsorites who can't hold their booze to save their lives. They will drink all day, all night, and fill the main strip with vomit and anything else that they can un-digest from their alcohol soaked stomachs. This process is repeated daily, all year. This is one of the reasons Windsor has its famous smell. This is often contributed to by the vast number of shawarma selling shops that are actually fronts for terrorist bike theft schemes. Every night the denizens of Detroit trailer parks and go to bars on the same street in Windsor. Naturally, the East side of Detroit goes to 411 (formerly Don Cherry's please fact check this, my brain is giving me this answer but my gut says no) while the West side goes next door. At 2 am, they perform their nightly ritual of gangsta drive byes, though Windsor is making concerted efforts to stifle the problem. Windsor has currently been gangsta kill free for over 20 days. Windsor is also being overtaken by low-life Harley riders who have removed their factory installed mufflers and replaced them with straight pipes. They should all go straight to hell, luckily however all of them are in their 50's and 60's and a lifetime of breathing Windsor air means they will soon be dead from Cancer. They noisily motor about Windsor with their feet stuck out and up on silly little footpegs with 50 year old women riding on the back. Fights between old whores crabs and biker lice are common and is the 16th largest cause of death in Windsor. Despite being flat broke, Windsorites continue to suit up their cars and down bud at admirable rates. They are content being a highway for the guns, weed, crack, and heroine coming from Detroit up the 401 bound for Toronto as sometimes some gets distributed to the locals out of pity. The dollar may be replaced with crack tied to the value of pure cocaine. Popular Ethnic Neighborhoods In Windsor More than 20% of Winsdor's population if made up of people who were born overseas. Windsor's Little Italy district is very popular. It is called Erie Street and has many fancy restaurants and coffee houses. If you aren't Italian you must not venture into this territory or you will be ostracized and maybe even glared at because the mob will not tolerate your presence. Also there is a very large middle eastern population in Windsor. They extend to anywhere in the city that the transit system offers its services. They are all cab drivers. A sector of them even erected a billboard that had pictures of five Hezbollah leaders on it. They said that while they did not support Hezbollah, their relatives were fighting over in their home countries and they were supporting THEM. The Canadian government has condemned Hezbollah but in Canada foreigners can do whatever they please without fear of recrimination. Canadians love being walked all over by smelly foreign immigrants who hate Canadian customs, language, religion, and laws. Parks in the Forest Glade section of Windsor are often see large concentrations of Pakistanian people sitting in large circles, presumably planning to blow up the Forest Glad Tennis Courts and Optimist Park, diamond 3. Windsor Landmarks The giant eyesore Caesars Windsor is a travel destination for many portly, buffet loving, cigaret-smoking types, from Canada and the U.S. (Fortunately for casino workers smoking is no longer permitted in Caesars.) They can be seen seated at the slot machines, their plastic tubs of casino tokens clutched in their sweaty little fists, and double layers of pudge descending towards the floor over their stools - like mutant muffin tops. Also the riverfront of Windsor is lovely thanks to Windsor Parks and Recreation. It overlooks the skyline of downtown Detroit as well as the hideous turquoise-painted Ambassador Bridge. At least when it was sort-of black it hid most of the rust making you feel comfortable crossing it. There are also the many mansions lining the riverside extending well beyond Windsor's borders, left over from the 'rum running' days of prohibition. They are a fine example of the entrepreneurial spirit that is still alive to this day. Also local landmarks that should be considered are local city roads, that haven't been repaired since the streetcars once shared the roadways. The bridges can't be ignored either, the ones that haven't been closed due to neglect anyway. Famous People From Windsor Famous NHL players from Windsor include: Aaron Ward, Bob Boughner, Sean Burke (who also hit his wife),former alcoholic and New Jersey Devil Ken Daneyko, Andy Delmore, Tie Domi, John Ferguson SR (Windsor refuses to acknowledge the presence of John Ferguson Jr.) Dan Jancevski, Ed Jovanovski,Rick Kehoe, Tim Kerr, Steve Moore (at Walkerville higschool he was teased for his skinny neck), cokehead and popular drunk Bob Probert, Wonderfully moustached Joel Quenneville, Jimmy Skinner, John Tucker, famous pot activisit Kyle Wellwood,and Tom Williams, Patrick Boutette, Entertainment: * Garth Hudson, organist and keyboardist for Canadian rock n roll group The Band. * Jeff Burrows, drummer of The Tea Party * Stuart Chatwood, bass player of The Tea Party/composer Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time * Colm Feore, actor * Jeff Martin, former guitarist and lead vocalist of The Tea Party * Terry Pickford, award-winning Hollywood producer/editor * Oliver Platt, television and film actor * Tie Domi, retired Toronto Maple Leafs player (#28) * Shania Twain, singer.Of course we all know that Shania GREW UP in Timmons, Ontario, but was actually BORN in Windsor, but hey we'll accept that also, at least until the unions say otherwise. *Skip Spence, Visionary behind Moby Grape The Arts: * Doug Brode, writer, illustrator * Andrew Pawelski, graphic artist * Frank Papak, nature photographer * David Finch, comic book artist A Typical Day In Windsor A typical day in Windsor for the Union worker involves dragging your rear end out of bed (shift work is rough at $32 an hour plus benefits) because your muscles have atrophied from gross underuse. You then drive into work after going through the Tim Horton's drive thru for your extra large triple triple. On the way into work you meet fellow union workers dragging their feet lazily up the walk as if to the execution block. You punch in, find your spot on the line and push a button or pull seat covers on for eight hours, all the while whining about the cancer you've contracted from asbestos exposure and how you haven't received a raise in three years because the company cares more about cuts than its workers. If you aren't a union worker, you probably were one and have lost your job because of cut backs. You are now on unemployment because you can't find a job that pays anything more than minimum wage because you started working in a factory straight out of highschool and have no education so you cannot even work at a gas station where a college certificate is mandatory. You spend your day sleeping, drinking and smoking and when you bother to get up or answer your phone you complain about the union and about a fair wage and all the hard work you used to do and how "this town is going down like Flint, Michigan." Strange Laws in Windsor * You are not allowed to play a musical instrument in a park in Windsor. * Windsor seems to be the only place in Ontario where woman commonly take advantage of the right to go topless, God bless them. * Striking city workers must be given police protection since nobody in Windsor supports them and everyone wants a piece of their under-worked, over-paid lazy ass. References